The worst coffee in the world

Look, this blog isn’t called The Complainant for nothing, ok?

I know that everyone thinks their office supplies the worst coffee in the world, but I can assure you that mine is the absolute pits.

It comes in giant Nescafé tins, but I believe this is misleading. I think it’s some other disgusting cheap coffee they decant into Nescafé tins, because I drink Nescafé every morning with my cereal and have been for years. The point is, I know what Nescafé tastes like, and that office kitchen shite is not it. Add to this the fact that we get hot water from a machine and have to use repulsive long-life milk… And you have the worst coffee in the world.

So what are my options? No, not drinking coffee is not an option. I need at least two cups to get me through the day.


Just a friendly warning (Image:

Sometimes my colleague will being Kenyan beans to the office and make us delicious filter coffee (tempered, of course, by the aforementioned hideous long-life milk), which is always welcome.

Then we have a Seattle coffee across the road, at the Caltex petrol station. Now every coffee-lover knows that Seattle makes fantastic coffee; but fantastic coffee comes with a fantastic price-tag, which I can certainly not afford on a daily basis on my intern’s salary (<cough>pittance<cough>). Plus, to get there, you have to risk your life crossing Jan Smuts avenue…and you have to ask yourself: is it worth it? (Sometimes my lovely colleague D will buy me coffee if I walk over with her. Happy times.)

Happiness (Image:

There is another food-place nearby called Refuel (although I can never remember its name and inevitably refer to it as Café Go, which was a much-beloved, and cheap, coffee place in Stellenbosch that I frequented during my year there), but Refuel is about a 5-minute walk away. I’ll walk there for lunch (they make the most delicious Mediterranean chicken wraps, hold-the-tomato-thanks) but it’s too far to go for coffee.

So I’m left with Fego Café, which is right next door, AND they deliver. Win, right? Actually, no. They have the dubious distinction of serving the SECOND-WORST COFFEE IN THE WORLD, and their food is over-priced, and not great. I really like the manager and the people who work there, but man alive I hate their coffee. In fact, I have been so traumatised by my year of relying on them for my caffeine fix that I refuse point-blank to set foot in any other Fego’s, from Irene Village Mall to Durban North. I. Will. Not. Go.

I hear ya, stick man (Image:

I wish I could describe to you how truly awful the coffee tastes, but no words can do it justice. It’s one of those things you just have to experience for yourself – preferably only once. Shudder. Also, did I mention a large cup costs R15? You just can’t make this stuff up.

All hail (Image:

Let the search for the perfect cup of coffee continue…


3 thoughts on “The worst coffee in the world

  1. I SO hear you on the bad coffee situation. I prefer Seattle in Canal Walk, and well, that’s about it. If I HAVE to have my caffeine fix, I’ll go without. :(

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